"And the squinter is..."
Walking to the awards ceremony I prepare myself for what is ahead. I foresee free drinks and cliques, disappointment and resentment. Thinking back to the previous day when I was told "you would do well to be at the awards tomorrow night", by the festival director, I realise that he has said this to everyone. 'Bums on seats' is the order of the day. Ironically, I pass around 50 bums sitting on seats on the mile walk to the theatre...
The festival headquarters is half full of VIP's swaning around with free Rum in their hands. The initial meet and greet is underway but there is a definite air of competition about the place. Filmmakers that once would chat in the lobby are now aloof and squinting - this is a contest, buster - and may the best brown-noser... erm... board director... erm... relative.... erm filmmaker win!
I take a place at a table in the corner and hug a cold beer. My beer loves me, my beer is not competing. I look around as the 'VIP's' start to waltz in - Cool! There's the guy from the X-Files, you know - the one who morphs into other guys and stabs people in the face with needles - no? You know - the guy in 'Cobra' with stallone that wields the axe? Bugger? The guy from buffy who was... like... a demon. Damn I can't place his name but he is suitably huge and scary, I can see why he's busy. There's that aussie guy that was in one season of Baywatch? No? Damn. I see a face I recognise - it's Douglas!! He walks over and I immediately ask him if he brought a pork pie? He mutters something and walks away...
Everyone sidles into the theatre, ready for the awards, and there are very eager beavers afoot.
The announcements start with a tribute and presentation to Julie Delpy - the french actress from such classics as Three Colours White, Before Sunset and... (cough) American Werewolf in Paris. We watch a montage of her work and then she goes up to the podium, except the theatre have forgotten to put the lights back on so we are listening to a silhouette. She handles it well, she's funny, classy and mentions how embarrassing it was to see a clip from 'that silly werewolf film'.
She's off and we are into the awards - Documentaries first and the award goes to the Mexican border patrol film - wohoo! one for the good guys. Then a few feature awards - best Direction goes to... hmm.. isn't that the lady who's house is being used as the festival camp? - Nevermind... o.k. Best actress in a feature goes to... hold on, the landlord again? I prepare myself for the worst...
Best Narrative short is awarded to the guy next to me and as he takes the stand he announces, "For anyone that doesn't realise it... I am on the festival board so its no surprise and obviously you don't realise how these festivals work". Nice words...
As I am about to make my exit they announce - "And... the award for Best Short Film - Foreign goes to...", hang about - I didn't even realise there was that category - one chance and one chance only... if there are no spanish, german, french, canadian or Irish board members we could be in with a shot!!
"Brother!" - All my prejudices subside in a way of euphoria as I drop my camera into the lap of the guy on my right and say "f&%k me... snap a few off for me will you?" - I instantly PRAY he doesn't read the wrong inflection into those words and uses the camera...
I go up on stage repeating to myself "mention the web address, mention the web address..." - then blather something about "if you listen very carefully you might hear a few people clapping in Australia right now...", its not funny, but for the rest of the night everyone will laugh at my lame jokes cos I got an award. I thank everyone, thank the festival and make my exit - "f%$k it - forgot the web address" . I sit down amidst much backslapping and half hear the rest of the announcements - my work here is done...
Off to the rest of the after party and those that shunned, now are friends - there is no cajoling with my beer in the corner, too many people want to talk. After shaking the umpteenth hand which reveals a slyly cast business card, I end up in a small circle of filmmakers. One guy in the group has my back up in an instant. He was at the opening party and was extremely rude, I think his definition was 'funny' but I remember it as rude. He's here and he hasn't changed his spots (lets call him Bud). I learn he is an actor and was in one of the winning films, the only way I can describe him is that he has a face that you want to slap. I'm introduced as 'the guy that won best foreign short' and he goes into his routine - "ooh... wow! what next? 'Award winner for best film by a guy holding a camera on one leg?' - 'Award winner for best film featuring a spoon'" - and so on...
I haven't asked for this s**t, I didn't invite it - in fact I have been very quiet. He doesn't realise that although I am ordinarily a nice guy - tonight I feel bullet-proof, and tonight... I want some payback. We are in a group of approximately 6 people and I feel like a little sport - "I remember you now from the opening party, you were the guy with the misplaced wit?", he takes a jab and counters, "oh yes... and you are the 'auteur'? How do you find these parties - full of actor wankers?". I side-step and parry - "Aren't you an Actor?" - "erm... yes", "Then yes, I do find a lot of wankers".
The group is stifling their chuckles, I think that they have secretly been waiting for this bout. "Are you sure you are an actor, someone told me you were a comedian?", he falls for it - "No, not a comedian dear", Bud replies, I bob and weave... "I didn't think so either, it requires timing". Its getting a little heated but I feel like I would be justified in twatting this guy. Just as we are about to get a little more physical with our verbal - I am approached by an interviewer that has been filming the award winners. Would I like to come over to the corner and be filmed for a quick segment. "Of course, but can I bring someone with me?", he nods... "Come on Bud, this will be fun". He's uncertain but I am adamant - I want this on the record...
In the corner, the lights are on, the camera rolling - I think its a vox-pop for some cable channel. Bud is looking nervous, he's not sure why I have him here - 2 words spring to mind my friend, "lamb" and "Slaughter".
The interviewer introduces me as Best Foreign Short winner and I say a few words, Bud sees his chance and butts in with a sarcastic, "I've heard its not very good...". Let the Games begin... Interviewer, "How do you guys know each other?", I leap forward, "I'm not sure really, he was handing out drinks so I presumed he was a waiter but he followed me here", the camera-man grins. Bud goes for a combination but I talk over him, "Then I realised that the only people here in all Black clothing that weren't waiters were actors, but then the waiters are probably actors, so I would guess that he was an actor... in all Black... nice and original...", the cameraman knows what is going down and he steps away from the lens, he wants to see this in widescreen...
Bud chips in, "oh... yes... it's all I...",... too late f***kwit, I chuck a verbal knee to the groin - "Actually, I have a feeling that... sorry what was your name?... Brenda? Thats right, 'Brenda' here thought this was the Adult Movie Expo but then realised that he didn't know anyone". The interviewer has been giggling but he wants a serious answer now... "So, how did you know... erm... 'Brenda'? Is he an actor in your film?" - "F**k no!! I've seen his showreel - he's terrible... I wouldn't employ him."
I think at this point Bud realises that people are going to see this and tries desperately to make amends but its too late - interview over. The host shakes my hand as the cameraman claps us - this was gold for them, and me... but not Bud. For him, I'd served up a nugget of a different kind - and it was still steaming...
As we walk away he puts his arm around me and says that we would make a good double-act. He thinks we are friends now, he's defeated. I join the group and they ask what happened? The interviewer and cameraman high-fiving each other behind us... I skull my beer, nod my thanks and leave with a "My work here is done..."
The festival headquarters is half full of VIP's swaning around with free Rum in their hands. The initial meet and greet is underway but there is a definite air of competition about the place. Filmmakers that once would chat in the lobby are now aloof and squinting - this is a contest, buster - and may the best brown-noser... erm... board director... erm... relative.... erm filmmaker win!
I take a place at a table in the corner and hug a cold beer. My beer loves me, my beer is not competing. I look around as the 'VIP's' start to waltz in - Cool! There's the guy from the X-Files, you know - the one who morphs into other guys and stabs people in the face with needles - no? You know - the guy in 'Cobra' with stallone that wields the axe? Bugger? The guy from buffy who was... like... a demon. Damn I can't place his name but he is suitably huge and scary, I can see why he's busy. There's that aussie guy that was in one season of Baywatch? No? Damn. I see a face I recognise - it's Douglas!! He walks over and I immediately ask him if he brought a pork pie? He mutters something and walks away...
Everyone sidles into the theatre, ready for the awards, and there are very eager beavers afoot.
The announcements start with a tribute and presentation to Julie Delpy - the french actress from such classics as Three Colours White, Before Sunset and... (cough) American Werewolf in Paris. We watch a montage of her work and then she goes up to the podium, except the theatre have forgotten to put the lights back on so we are listening to a silhouette. She handles it well, she's funny, classy and mentions how embarrassing it was to see a clip from 'that silly werewolf film'.
She's off and we are into the awards - Documentaries first and the award goes to the Mexican border patrol film - wohoo! one for the good guys. Then a few feature awards - best Direction goes to... hmm.. isn't that the lady who's house is being used as the festival camp? - Nevermind... o.k. Best actress in a feature goes to... hold on, the landlord again? I prepare myself for the worst...
Best Narrative short is awarded to the guy next to me and as he takes the stand he announces, "For anyone that doesn't realise it... I am on the festival board so its no surprise and obviously you don't realise how these festivals work". Nice words...
As I am about to make my exit they announce - "And... the award for Best Short Film - Foreign goes to...", hang about - I didn't even realise there was that category - one chance and one chance only... if there are no spanish, german, french, canadian or Irish board members we could be in with a shot!!
"Brother!" - All my prejudices subside in a way of euphoria as I drop my camera into the lap of the guy on my right and say "f&%k me... snap a few off for me will you?" - I instantly PRAY he doesn't read the wrong inflection into those words and uses the camera...
I go up on stage repeating to myself "mention the web address, mention the web address..." - then blather something about "if you listen very carefully you might hear a few people clapping in Australia right now...", its not funny, but for the rest of the night everyone will laugh at my lame jokes cos I got an award. I thank everyone, thank the festival and make my exit - "f%$k it - forgot the web address" . I sit down amidst much backslapping and half hear the rest of the announcements - my work here is done...
Off to the rest of the after party and those that shunned, now are friends - there is no cajoling with my beer in the corner, too many people want to talk. After shaking the umpteenth hand which reveals a slyly cast business card, I end up in a small circle of filmmakers. One guy in the group has my back up in an instant. He was at the opening party and was extremely rude, I think his definition was 'funny' but I remember it as rude. He's here and he hasn't changed his spots (lets call him Bud). I learn he is an actor and was in one of the winning films, the only way I can describe him is that he has a face that you want to slap. I'm introduced as 'the guy that won best foreign short' and he goes into his routine - "ooh... wow! what next? 'Award winner for best film by a guy holding a camera on one leg?' - 'Award winner for best film featuring a spoon'" - and so on...
I haven't asked for this s**t, I didn't invite it - in fact I have been very quiet. He doesn't realise that although I am ordinarily a nice guy - tonight I feel bullet-proof, and tonight... I want some payback. We are in a group of approximately 6 people and I feel like a little sport - "I remember you now from the opening party, you were the guy with the misplaced wit?", he takes a jab and counters, "oh yes... and you are the 'auteur'? How do you find these parties - full of actor wankers?". I side-step and parry - "Aren't you an Actor?" - "erm... yes", "Then yes, I do find a lot of wankers".
The group is stifling their chuckles, I think that they have secretly been waiting for this bout. "Are you sure you are an actor, someone told me you were a comedian?", he falls for it - "No, not a comedian dear", Bud replies, I bob and weave... "I didn't think so either, it requires timing". Its getting a little heated but I feel like I would be justified in twatting this guy. Just as we are about to get a little more physical with our verbal - I am approached by an interviewer that has been filming the award winners. Would I like to come over to the corner and be filmed for a quick segment. "Of course, but can I bring someone with me?", he nods... "Come on Bud, this will be fun". He's uncertain but I am adamant - I want this on the record...
In the corner, the lights are on, the camera rolling - I think its a vox-pop for some cable channel. Bud is looking nervous, he's not sure why I have him here - 2 words spring to mind my friend, "lamb" and "Slaughter".
The interviewer introduces me as Best Foreign Short winner and I say a few words, Bud sees his chance and butts in with a sarcastic, "I've heard its not very good...". Let the Games begin... Interviewer, "How do you guys know each other?", I leap forward, "I'm not sure really, he was handing out drinks so I presumed he was a waiter but he followed me here", the camera-man grins. Bud goes for a combination but I talk over him, "Then I realised that the only people here in all Black clothing that weren't waiters were actors, but then the waiters are probably actors, so I would guess that he was an actor... in all Black... nice and original...", the cameraman knows what is going down and he steps away from the lens, he wants to see this in widescreen...
Bud chips in, "oh... yes... it's all I...",... too late f***kwit, I chuck a verbal knee to the groin - "Actually, I have a feeling that... sorry what was your name?... Brenda? Thats right, 'Brenda' here thought this was the Adult Movie Expo but then realised that he didn't know anyone". The interviewer has been giggling but he wants a serious answer now... "So, how did you know... erm... 'Brenda'? Is he an actor in your film?" - "F**k no!! I've seen his showreel - he's terrible... I wouldn't employ him."
I think at this point Bud realises that people are going to see this and tries desperately to make amends but its too late - interview over. The host shakes my hand as the cameraman claps us - this was gold for them, and me... but not Bud. For him, I'd served up a nugget of a different kind - and it was still steaming...
As we walk away he puts his arm around me and says that we would make a good double-act. He thinks we are friends now, he's defeated. I join the group and they ask what happened? The interviewer and cameraman high-fiving each other behind us... I skull my beer, nod my thanks and leave with a "My work here is done..."
posted by brother | 1:03 PM
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